I laugh because I must not cry. – Abraham Lincoln
People around me always call me a happy person. I always look happy because I laugh a lot. When I laugh, I throw my head back with my mouth wide open. I’m glad i do laugh a lot because I have one of those lips that point down naturally. If I don’t smile, I can look very mean.
The bad thing is, I do get cranky and upset. I do get dramatic. I do get nervous. I do over think. I do interpret little things as “signs” which signify the end of the world.
Recently, as you loyal readers have already known, I have been accepted to this Ivy League master’s program that I can’t afford. I’ve emailed the chair to ask for a deferral. It has been three days and I still haven’t heard from him. I interpret it as: they don’t really want me anyway.
My adjunct lecturing deal with a school I’m teaching at will be over in two weeks. They have mentioned switching my contract into a full time contract in the past. I have been asking and they keep telling me they will update me on that soon. I interpret it as: they don’t really want me anyway.
I interviewed for two jobs I felt very confident about in the past month. They told me they would call me back in a few weeks, so a few weeks have passed or will soon pass. I interpret it as: they don’t really want me anyway.
I have started emailing schools in Australia on PhD programs over the past few days cause’ I’m really really eager to leave this so-called home to the one place that i feel most at home–university. I emailed like five professors in four schools, so far I only heard from one, who suggested me to get another master’s first. I interpret it as: they don’t really want me anyway.
Shit. How special do I have to be to be not wanted by so many people? WTF is wrong with me?
The good thing is: I’m a very forgetful person (emotions, not facts, I have very good memory). I also tend to magnify positive signs. I have developed this theory (applicable only to myself) when I was at the lowest point(s) of my life. I think human beings (could be just me) have an innate ability to balance sadness. There is only so much sadness and depression one can take. Once that point is reached, we do things to make ourselves feel better, either by taking action to make ourselves happy, or by changing our perception.
I seldom tell anyone this, but there certainly were times when I felt super depressed and thought life totally sucked. I’d feel like a total loser and get angry at every thing. If I were any stupider or more self destructive, I could have done unimaginable things. It always surprises me how my mood will usually take a 180-degree turn two weeks later. Something will just happen and give me hopes again in life.
So my rule of thumb for drama queens: wait two weeks until you do somethings stupid.
I’m gonna start counting right now. Check in again in 14 days (well, i do hope you would visit my blog like 14 times a day) and see if I’m in an ecstatic mood again. 🙂