I need to take a chill pill


I feel like things are getting out of my control and I’m backsliding again into an insecure over thinker, on both the professional and personal fronts.

On the Professional Front:

1. Florid Eyes

I was supposed to have my novel Florid Eyes uploaded on Amazon for download by the end of this month. I sent in my manuscript to my freelance editor at the end of last month. I was told I would get it back in two weeks. It was only gonna take me a few days then to approve her edits and comments and send in my second draft. I was so sure there is gonna be enough time to get this thing wrapped up.

Two weeks had passed and she disappeared.

I was unable to get a hold of her for almost an entire week. I was starting to suspect myself for falling into an online scam. I even looked up Paypal’s refund policy. It wasn’t so much that I was upset about her disappearing with my money. I was upset because that would mean a delay of my book launch! It wasn’t until yesterday when I finally heard from her. She apologized and said she had to take care of her sick daughter. She promised I would have it back by Sunday. I felt like an asshole for suspecting her, but I still feel super cranky about not having my proof back. Florid Eyes is my baby! It gave me something to obsess about when I was in freakout mode.

2. PhD Application

If you’ve been following my blog long enough (for like, well, a week), you should also know that I’m planning on getting my PhD in Australia after Brown refused to fund me. I had been in contact with two top Australian schools. One is pretty cool about my lack of research experience and only insisted on me drafting a research proposal, so they could see if they could get my a supervisor. The other one is super frustrating, on the other hand. Person A told me I should be qualify even though I don’t have a research based master’s, but it would be safe to check with person B. Person B asked for my writing samples and transcripts and said she would be on vacation, so I’d better contact person C. Person C asked for more transcripts and more documentations again. Fast forward three weeks, I got an email from person C telling me I don’t meet their entry requirement, but I could still write a proposal and see if the department can find me a supervisor and back me. If it does, I can still apply, but an offer is not guaranteed.

That got me thinking how slim my chances are? Are they just humoring me? I’m honestly not familiar with the Australian system, but I’m already very exhausted by the US application season. It really frustrates me because it’s hard to imagine how I could qualify for Brown University, an Ivy League, but not universities in Australia. No offence, but seriously? I know I don’t have enough research experience. In fact, I had to beg my MIT computer science professor friend to review my communication studies proposal because I simply have no clue how this stuff works, but I believe I’ve fully demonstrated my competence as a student in my previous studies. I know, I know, my degrees are coursework based, but still, I graduated with a 3.82 GPA, people! If I get rejected again, I don’t know how am I gonna take it. This is my plan B already, and I don’t wanna have to execute my Plan C.

On the Personal Front:

1.  Oh boy

When I was writing the epic love story of Josh and Violet in Florid Eyes, how very much I envied the love they have for each other. The love that makes you open up and put all in just because you know the person is the soulmate you’ve been waiting for all your life. You know the person is worth everything. It turns out I forgot even if you’ve found your soulmate, you still need to go through that nerve racking emotional roller coaster. It has nothing to do with how intelligent, how independent you are as a woman. Even if you’re the female Einstein, a man you care can still make you feel like an idiot who has no control over anything.


About Nicky

Nicky English is a journalist, an educator, a podcaster, a couch potato, a dreamer, and a child at heart. Learning is her passion, so is the English language, which she believes is the tool to unlock the door of knowledge. Born in Hong Kong, she received intensive writing training at The University of Iowa, where she double-majored in journalism and political science. Apart from the Hawkeye State, she’s lived in Chicago and Philadelphia. When she was a guest student at Georgetown University, she fell in love with Washington, D.C. She also has a Master of Arts in Communication. A little side note—she cannot imagine a world without her Mac and iDevices. Like many crazy ones, she hopes to change the world one day at a time.
This entry was posted in dating & relationship, Florid Eyes: A Novel, identity crisis, school, work and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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