This week a colleague at work passed away. He was stationed in another regional office, so I never really had a chance to meet him to form a real connection with him. It’s sad but true. He wasn’t exactly a diligent worker. Our entire team had to pick up a ton of unfinished work that had been snow balling by him over the past few months. Anyhow, his passing still affected me emotionally.
I’m not particularly good at dealing with good things happening to me because I’m so used to getting f–ked time and again. With my PhD program starting in six months’ time, I’m feeling extra anxious on the subconscious level. I’ve just had a this very weird dream/nightmare: My life was finally coming together. Everything was great. I was set to go to Sydney. One day I read a list of causality of a boating accident, and my name was on top.
Then I woke up in terror.
Perhaps the death of my colleague reminded me how unpredictable life could be. How you could be getting yelled at by your boss on a long distance call one day and on death bed the next. I know it sounds ridiculous. I know I’m probably over thinking it, but I think I should make a list of things I’m grateful for because every second people are dying on the other side of the world. Not everyone gets to live to see the next sunrise.
In case something happens, I want people to know that I’m grateful for:
- My mom: She’s the most selfless person I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t have much, but she gives me everything she has, so I could be anything I want to be.
- My students: I love them because they made my life meaningful. They are the reason life is worth living because they carry on my “legacy”. They make me sad when they disappoint me, but they also make me the happiest when they are on good behavior.
- My friends: I don’t work hard in cultivating friendships. I’m not particularly giving or kind, but I’m surrounded by so many good friends people who are ready to help whenever I need them.
- My novel: My book Florid Eyes: A Novel has brought me more than what I’d expected. I know it’s not a NY Times bestseller, even though it’s just as good in my eyes. This book helped me grow as a person, triggered my love for writing, guided me through the darkest period of my life, made me strong, pointed me to where I belong, landed me jobs and connected me with people who share my ideals.
- Nice bosses: My first boss was like a father to me. He is the kind of supervisor that clicks with me–someone who gives me a freehand to complete tasks by myself and steps in when help is needed. My current boss is more or less the same. She likes my writing and doesn’t care about trivial matters. She gives me a lot of freedom. I don’t feel suffocated or constantly under surveillance .
- My current colleagues: They are very helpful and assisted me in surviving in this new environment. No politics or backstabbing.
- My clients: They have been very understanding of my busy schedules and give me a lot of flexibility and leeway as long as I deliver them what they want.
- My professors: Not everyone gets to have a good teacher who can change their life. Many get through school without getting anything out of it other than the qualification they needed. I’ve met five very important professors/instructors in college/grad school. They not only taught me the subject materials but also inspired me and encouraged me to be who I want to be. I hope my PhD supervisor will be just as cool and inspiring.
- My first love: Every time I think of the time we had together, it puts a smile on my face. I don’t think I could ever love so fearlessly again.
- My soul mate: Soul mates are like a mirror who shows you what you need to work on so you can be a better person.
- My talents: I’m not good at everything, but I’m grateful for being talented in some areas, so even at my darkest hours I was able to survive with practicing what I’m good at.
- Apple: My love for Apple has brought me so much: friendships, convenience, mind-blowing epiphanies, etc.
- My getting accepted: On a scale of 1-10, my gratefulness to UNSW is like 11 for taking me despite me lack of research experience.
- My bad experiences: I didn’t believe it back then, but now I know every bad experience CAN BE a blessing in disguise if you learn from it.
I hope I can keep adding things to the list. Now I just wanna thank god.