Self-therapy

The only way to make sense of my crazy mind is to write it out. My head would explode if I didn’t channel my thoughts into words from none other than my imaginary friend/fictional character Violet. She always knows best.

Dear Nicky,
 
It’s alright, sweetie. It’s alright. I’m here for you even though you’re feeling so alone right now.
 
It seems like no one understands your internal struggles. How could they? How many people have gone through this many rejections? It’s hard for anyone to understand the magnitude of this major let down. It’s hard to process this feeling. Of course you feel lost. Your disappointment is inducing all these anxieties and self-doubts in you.
 
For more than a year, you were so sure you did the right thing. You were optimistic enough to ignore all the negativities around you. You told yourself to be patient and wait for the universe to do its tricks. You were convinced that the dots will connect.
 
Now you feel like life has cheated you. It has failed to deliver the “connection” you were promised. You feel like you’re back to square one. You feel like a failure again. You think no matter what you do, you’re just not good enough. Perhaps you should just stick with doing what you’re good at instead of what you want.
 
This failure makes you question everything, everything that you’ve been trying to suppress for the past few months. You said, “What’s the point anymore? I’ve had enough of disappointments. Screw this. I wanna quit. I want this to be over. I don’t wanna go after anything anymore. Why can’t I be like everyone else who doesn’t have an unrealistic dream to worry about? Their lives are so simple.”
 
Then you stop. You don’t want “simple”. You want your life to be extraordinary. You hate being just like everyone else. If you wanted to be just like everyone else, you would have stayed at your job four years ago.
 
You still have that fire in you, that twinkle in your eyes. You ask yourself what you have to lose if you give up or continue this pursuit. You list a million things that you will have to lose if you keep on pursuing this stupid dream: money, your job, your youth, the life that you’ve built, family time. The list goes on and on. Then you ask yourself what the potential loss is if you give up.
 
“I will always feel like there is something missing in my life. I know it for certain.”
 
Girl, you’ve just got your reason to go on. Plus, you hate the sound of “giving up”. It doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t stop trying until you’ve exhausted every possibility. You certainly can still make it work. It’s just gonna be harder than you thought. If you stop now, you’re just being a coward cuz you’re scared.
 
The last time you regret something, it was because you didn’t listen to your heart. Nothing stinks like regret.
 
Your friend said, “If I were you, I’d have given up.”
 
There you go. Probably nine out of 10 would have chosen a career with lucrative prospects over this big pool of uncertainties, but not you. You pride yourself for being this token.
 
Your friend said, “This is crazy. You know that, right?”
 
That does it. “Crazy” is the magic word. You’d rather be crazy than normal.
 
You realize you’ve been clouded by prestige and other materialistic notions. You finally remember who you were, before you became this big girl who works in the city, before you grew comfortable in that environment.
 
You want to pursuit knowledge and inspire others. Being a “big girl” isn’t gonna do that.
 
Deep down, you know what you want, you just needed me to say it out loud for you.
 
Don’t worry. Even if you feel lost and helpless, you’ll always have me to talk some sense into you. I will always watch out for you.
 
Violet
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About Nicky

Nicky English is a journalist, an educator, a podcaster, a couch potato, a dreamer, and a child at heart. Learning is her passion, so is the English language, which she believes is the tool to unlock the door of knowledge. Born in Hong Kong, she received intensive writing training at The University of Iowa, where she double-majored in journalism and political science. Apart from the Hawkeye State, she’s lived in Chicago and Philadelphia. When she was a guest student at Georgetown University, she fell in love with Washington, D.C. She also has a Master of Arts in Communication. A little side note—she cannot imagine a world without her Mac and iDevices. Like many crazy ones, she hopes to change the world one day at a time.
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