This is a small scene that I wrote during the Christmas holiday for the sequel of my debut novel Florid Eyes: A Novel. Not sure if these exact words would appear in the book, but that’s the way to go. Again, writing this scene makes teary.
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Violet stared at the star-pierced sky. It brought her back to the night when Josh and her stargazed on the frozen river, when Josh told her he loved the stardust reflected in her eyes. Violet had tried to put away the thoughts of Josh, but the more she tried, the harder it was. This trip was supposed to give herself a break to live a little, but everything reminded her of Josh. She heard the crushing ocean waves and the sound of crickets. She knew these sounds of nature were completely irrelevant to Josh, but it didn’t stop her from wanting to share these amazing bits of life with him.
He would have loved it. He would have pulled her in and looked her in the eyes. He would have said he wished vampires could stop time too, so they could enjoy this rare, worry-free moment. He would have squeezed her hands and told her each wave signifies an “I love you”. Like the ocean currents, this love had begun long before they met, and it would never end.
Violet knew it was unwise to have thoughts like this because Josh would never come back. Sometimes Violet wished Josh had actually broken her heart like a sociopathic coward who took joy in manipulating women. If Josh did leave her, at least she could hate him. It was easier to hate a player than letting go of a real man who was still loving you with his last breath.
Few people knew of their short history. Even fewer people knew how hard it was for her to cope. She needed to convince herself and everyone she was fine. She needed to fake it till’ she made it. No one could know he never left her thoughts. No one could know not a day has gone by without something triggering her memories of him. There were times when she was so happy to see him again in her dreams. Even in her subconscious, she knew it was just a dream, but she was so worry that she would wake up in disappointment. The more she panicked in her own dream, the harder it was to stay asleep. She would then wake up in the middle of night feeling all lost. She tried taking sleeping pills to force herself to return to the dream where she could find peace and warmth in Josh’s firm, toned arms, but her anxiety only made things worse.
Time didn’t do their love justice. Time stamps meant nothing to great love. She might have romanticised things, but she thought when she met Josh for the first time by that long flight of stairs, her soul was awaken and said, “There you’re.” She’d like to believe his said the same.
Even thought she was still dying inside, she couldn’t be honest about it. This cognitive dissonance was killing her, but everyone expected her to be all right.
“Violet will be fine. She’s a tough gal. They’ve been dating for what…Like four weeks?” That was what they would say. She was sure of it.
She wasn’t just being dishonest to others. She didn’t even want to admit to herself how much she missed Josh. The degree his departure has affected her was beyond her own comprehension. How could she spend so much time grieving for a relationship shorter than a Hollywood marriage? In the grand scheme of life, it was peanuts.
Deep down she knew why. Despite the short time, despite what everyone said, it was real. She tried to talk herself into thinking it was not. She tried to discredit their relationship, but she knew it was true. She would never forget the connection they shared, on the many nights they just talked about life and dreams and what-not. Although their lives were only intertwined for an almost unnoticeable period of time, although they have since been untangled in a most irruptive way, she did feel how she felt, and she could never unfelt it.