My heart doesn’t beat for you anymore

I haven’t seen my ex since we broke up many years ago, but I do think about him every once in a while. I even dream about him every now and then. In those dreams I usually go through our breakup again or he comes back begging for my love as I always wanted. I always wake up hating myself for still remembering.

On a conscious level, I have given up on all the hopes of us getting back together a loooong time ago. In fact, I’d never ever get back together with him even if he was on his keens because I hate the person I became when I was in love with him. I cut ties with most of our mutual friends after we broke up. I didn’t want anything to trigger my pain. Even the mention of his name would make my heart skip a beat.

While we were still together, he was a reporter at a local TV channel. Naturally, I had to deliberately stay away from tuning, but one day when I was driving with my parents, who like to have the radio on (which I don’t), I heard a very familiar voice. It was when I knew he was now on the radio instead. Fortunately, that chance revelation did not result in any accident.

The month before I came to Auckland, I almost had at least one get-together with my good friends every day. For a split second, I thought about picking up the phone and dialing one of the five numbers I still remember (mine, my parents’, my home phone and his) to say goodbye, but I dismissed the idea immediately. There was nothing left to say between us. I didn’t need his friendship or blessing. I knew he would say, “Good for you. You can do it,” as if he cared. He never cared about what I did back then, why now? I don’t need that kind of half-ass chit chats.

Shortly after I arrived, I noticed my landlady loves listening to the radio back home. One day while I was eating in my new kitchen, I heard that familiar voice again. I just can’t escape this guy who made me feel so unloved even though I’m now half a world away. As always, I just pretended I didn’t hear anything unusual and carried on eating.

Today, I heard him again on the radio, loud and clear. This time, however, my heart didn’t skip a beat. It was when I knew I’m completely, 100% over him.

I waited for a long time for this to come. Eventually I stopped waiting and focused on getting myself together and becoming the person I love so that I wouldn’t need his love to live. My past two weeks in Auckland have further made me realize I am at the boldest stage I have ever been. I have stepped out of my comfort zone so many times. I’m brave, independent, wise and strong, the complete opposite of the insecure wet blanket that I was.

I’m able to let go of the grudge of feeling unloved by him because I now understand how everything was building up to this point. Without him letting go of me, regardless of the motivation, I wouldn’t have embarked on this journey to becoming a better self and to see the other side of the world. Had he loved me just a little bit more like I had wished, I would have stayed but secretly wondered why I gave up the world for only that tiny bit of his affection. I would never have loved myself as much as I do now. It’s all for the best.


About Nicky

Nicky English is a journalist, an educator, a podcaster, a couch potato, a dreamer, and a child at heart. Learning is her passion, so is the English language, which she believes is the tool to unlock the door of knowledge. Born in Hong Kong, she received intensive writing training at The University of Iowa, where she double-majored in journalism and political science. Apart from the Hawkeye State, she’s lived in Chicago and Philadelphia. When she was a guest student at Georgetown University, she fell in love with Washington, D.C. She also has a Master of Arts in Communication. A little side note—she cannot imagine a world without her Mac and iDevices. Like many crazy ones, she hopes to change the world one day at a time.
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