I haven’t seen my ex since we broke up many years ago, but I do think about him every once in a while. I even dream about him every now and then. In those dreams I usually go through our breakup again or he comes back begging for my love as I always wanted. I always wake up hating myself for still remembering.
On a conscious level, I have given up on all the hopes of us getting back together a loooong time ago. In fact, I’d never ever get back together with him even if he was on his keens because I hate the person I became when I was in love with him. I cut ties with most of our mutual friends after we broke up. I didn’t want anything to trigger my pain. Even the mention of his name would make my heart skip a beat.
While we were still together, he was a reporter at a local TV channel. Naturally, I had to deliberately stay away from tuning, but one day when I was driving with my parents, who like to have the radio on (which I don’t), I heard a very familiar voice. It was when I knew he was now on the radio instead. Fortunately, that chance revelation did not result in any accident.
The month before I came to Auckland, I almost had at least one get-together with my good friends every day. For a split second, I thought about picking up the phone and dialing one of the five numbers I still remember (mine, my parents’, my home phone and his) to say goodbye, but I dismissed the idea immediately. There was nothing left to say between us. I didn’t need his friendship or blessing. I knew he would say, “Good for you. You can do it,” as if he cared. He never cared about what I did back then, why now? I don’t need that kind of half-ass chit chats.
Shortly after I arrived, I noticed my landlady loves listening to the radio back home. One day while I was eating in my new kitchen, I heard that familiar voice again. I just can’t escape this guy who made me feel so unloved even though I’m now half a world away. As always, I just pretended I didn’t hear anything unusual and carried on eating.
Today, I heard him again on the radio, loud and clear. This time, however, my heart didn’t skip a beat. It was when I knew I’m completely, 100% over him.
I waited for a long time for this to come. Eventually I stopped waiting and focused on getting myself together and becoming the person I love so that I wouldn’t need his love to live. My past two weeks in Auckland have further made me realize I am at the boldest stage I have ever been. I have stepped out of my comfort zone so many times. I’m brave, independent, wise and strong, the complete opposite of the insecure wet blanket that I was.
I’m able to let go of the grudge of feeling unloved by him because I now understand how everything was building up to this point. Without him letting go of me, regardless of the motivation, I wouldn’t have embarked on this journey to becoming a better self and to see the other side of the world. Had he loved me just a little bit more like I had wished, I would have stayed but secretly wondered why I gave up the world for only that tiny bit of his affection. I would never have loved myself as much as I do now. It’s all for the best.