With my scholarship prospect still up in the air, I certainty haven’t been feeling as super awesome as usual although I’m coping with the situation much better than I did months ago. As a person who claims to hate losing, I accepted my potential (and very likely) failure this time without feeling like a complete loser. I took full responsibility for not making the top four among 50 applicants.
It’s still saddening, of course, to know that despite all my hard work, I still couldn’t make the cut. It’s likely that the perfect scenario I have envisioned will never play out. I will soon have to make a tough decision that will drastically change my life.
I didn’t really whine too much about it to my friends besides updating my Facebook status. One person who did get a specific update via text from me is my beloved student. Just a few days ago, she texted me about how well she did in school in Switzerland and how much she thought it was the right place for her to be. I told her I was still waiting for my scholarship outcome, and she even assured me, “You’ll get it!”
Today I told her I’ve probably failed. She said she was sorry and told me she also failed to get the internship she wanted.
When I heard it, I immediately stopped self-pitying and reminded her one failure, or even multiple failures, didn’t matter. All we need is one success. She said one girl in her class was particularly mean to her, and it really angered her that the girl got the internship but she didn’t. I told her what not to compare herself to others and not to give that girl so much power by letting that girl disturb her inner peace. Maybe she will like the next internship even better.
I asked her to name the person she admired the most in the world because no matter how awesome a person is in one’s eyes, he/she still can’t please everybody. We shouldn’t expect the whole world to like us either. Steve Jobs was/is God to me, but many people think he was an asshole.
Then she said the person she admired most was me. 🙂
I recounted my job interview experience to her. I also felt completely hopeless and self-defeating once after losing a “dream job” to someone else even thought I thought I was better and more qualified than anyone. I remembered spending hours sitting at my friend Johnny’s and repeating, “Why didn’t they pick me? What is wrong with me?”
I swear I’ve even said I’d NEVER find another job again. I was going to be unemployed for the rest of my life because there was nothing worth doing, but now I honestly have nothing to complain about my current job. If it weren’t for my PhD dream, I really couldn’t be any happier career-wise.
After I was done talking to her, I noticed I was again talking to myself, like that time when I talked her though her breakup. I was telling her everything I needed to tell myself. I could even learn from my own experience, from my past struggles and countless failures.
The wise angel inside me somehow knows things will turn out to be okay. The dots will always connect. I just need to be patient and be the best form of myself in the meantime, so I can seize whatever opportunities that will fall upon me.
How can anyone not think teaching is the most rewarding thing once he/she has done it? 🙂